THE DAILY BLADE: We Get An Early Spring … Or Else
The Daily Star (Oneonta, NY) has it up to its ear holes with snow:
We pride ourselves on being hardy upstate New Yorkers, always ready with a dismissive sneer whenever our downstate brethren whine about getting a few inches of snow. But this unending pattern of freezing temperatures and noisome snowfall is making us edgy to the point of being short-tempered.
So that explains the paper’s plan to recruit “the toughest and most intimidating people we can find” to make Punxsutawney Phil an offer he couldn’t refuse, um, to “persuade” the well-fed rodent that “it would not be in his best interests” to see his shadow (talk about blaming the messenger!) :
"Look ... uhhh ... Phil ... we'd like a word with you. The word is 'don't.' Don't you even think about seeing your shadow.
"Listen, you miserable rodent, we know where you live. We also know folks who think roasted groundhog is some pretty good eatin'.
"You play ball with us, and nobody gets hurt. It's simple; when those guys in top hats rouse you from your warm, cozy den, you play dumb, see? You wander around a little, put on a little show, and then you go right back to sleep.
"Play your cards right, and there will be some extra lettuce in it for you, if you know what we mean.
Perhaps one of the goons delicately opened his jacket just so to reveal a custom Smith & Wesson Punxsutawney Phil Commemorative Model 629, because Phil didn’t see anything. Got that? No shadow, no nothing.
Staten Island Chuck - who’s no doubt seen a guy or two whacked in his life - also played it safe and made like Andrea Bocelli.
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