IN MY SHOES: What It's Like To Live In NYC
New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams is no stranger to snark, but her recent column on the ear-splitting ambient noise levels in NYC (“the city that never sleeps never whispers”) is pure poetry, and better than anything Common can come up with – not that Cindy will ever be invited to the Obama White House:
I visited a friend. Her Havanese yapped. Her Abyssinian mewed. Her big-mouthed parrot was telling her off. And then her mother-in-law arrived. …
We talking honking horns? Sanitation trucks that grind and groan leftover veal bones into talcum while their guys shout to each other at 1 a.m.? Garbage cans tossed back onto the pavement with a clank? And a real sooth is some weirdo night-owl playing cymbals with those metal covers when they hit the street. How about yelling bus drivers? Angry car drivers. Skateboarders who scream, "Watch out!" after they smack into you. …
Police sirens? Fire-engine sirens? Ambulance sirens? Presidential, vice presidential, ambassadorial sirens? Chinese takeout delivery boys ringing bells on their bicycle handlebars -- one for chow mein, two for wonton. The sound's so extreme that if De Niro shouted into my earlobe, "You tawkin' to me?" I wouldn't hear him.
A mother hollering at her kid. Hollering at her other kid. Hollering at her husband just for practice.
A Sixth Avenue pushcart hawking falafel, bagels, hot dogs, Maalox. A bus chugging. A truck idling. A kiddie's tricycle crashing. A manhole cover rattling. A pothole saying "Thank you" to a Mercedes fitting into it. A bum clinking coins in a cup. A doorman pocketing a crisp buck. A megaphone atop an SVU advertising crappo cheapo goods.
Cellphones. Beepers. Alarms sounding. Children yelling. Adults fighting. Generators working. Air conditioners humming. Street musicians shaking tambourines. Deli celery chewing from plastic lunchboxes. Circus elephants tiptoeing through town. TV's Jim Cramer arguing a point. …
And that's just what's around you. Above are jets. Helicopters. Zeppelins. Flapping birds whose mothers never told them to shut their beaks when they eat.
Construction sites. Jackhammers. Demolition. Hardhats shouting. Foremen screaming. Crane operators yelling. Stuff crashing. …
And the loudest sound of all - 8 million local residents applauding what I've just written, as each gets fitted with a hearing aid.
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